better

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Usually when God wants to tell me something, He does it by giving me certain Scripture passages, speaking through my friends, and tailoring the sermons I hear and books I read so that they all repeat different aspects of the same message. A friend and I talk about "divine bruises" - when God is whacking us over the head with something over and over again so that we can't ignore what He has to say. I'm always excited by divine bruises, because they are a signal to me that God is working in my life. But very, very rarely, God will speak to me more directly, giving me words that I know are not mine in order to tell me what I need to hear.

(Disclaimer: whatever the method God uses to tell me something, I always make sure to test it with Scripture: this is, after all, the final authority on the nature of the things that God says to us. If something doesn't completely line up with Scripture, it is not of God, no matter how supernatural it seems.}

Last week was one of the incredibly rare times that God gave me a direct assurance while I was praying - an assurance as clearly from the Holy Spirit as if it had been a direct quote from the Bible. Because He usually chooses to speak to me through His Word and the people He has placed in my life, the words He gave me were all the more striking, while harmonizing perfectly with all that I know of Him.

Awhile ago I set aside something I wanted. It was difficult, and I wasn't sure exactly why it was necessary, but I knew that I needed to. So I did. This was long enough ago that I thought I had dealt with it and it wasn't an issue any more. But as I was praying over my tea a few weeks ago, I suddenly found myself praying about this desire, questioning why I had to give it up, why it would not have been good.

And suddenly, in the middle of a thought, I was given three words. They did not come from me: I've generated inner dialogue and tried to convince myself it was God talking enough times that I know the flavor of that self-deception. This was different, clearly coming from something other than myself.

I have better.

That was it, but it pulled me up sharply. I started turning these words over in my mind: "I have better." As in, "Kate, I have something better for you than this thing that you wanted."

These words reminded me that whatever I get - or do not get - comes from God, who is the source of my contentment and joy. But that was something I already knew.

What grabbed my attention was the word "better." God was not telling me that my misguided heart wanted something bad that He withheld in order to give me something good. He didn't say "I have good." He said better. Which means that what I wanted was a good thing, but that I needed to let it go in order for Him to prepare me to receive a better gift.

This realization came as such a relief to me. I had tried to convince myself that this desire was somehow bad, and that this was why I couldn't have it. But I really knew that it was good. I think this is why I found myself praying about it after such a long time - I had not moved on because I had attempted to do so by denying the good in this desire.

But now I don't need to do that. When it comes up, I don't need to tell myself what I don't really believe: "Kate, that would have been bad for you." I can instead remind myself, "Yes, that could have been good, but God has something better in mind."

As small a shift as it seems, it makes a world of difference, and it really applies to every prayer answered negatively or every good thing withheld from us. When God says no, it is because in the long run, He has something better.

"For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly." ~Psalm 84:11

"Delight yourself in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart." ~Psalm 37:4

"Because Your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you...My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods, and my mouth will praise You with joyful lips." ~Psalm 63:3, 5

I want

"Great people don't do great things; God does great things through surrendered people." ~Jennie Allen

It's the beginning of a new school year. As a junior in college, I find that I and many of my peers are thinking hard about what we want - what we want from community life, from our studies this year, and, in the not-so-distant-future, from life after college.

To be honest, I want a lot of things, ranging all over the place in level of importance.

I want to have a fabulous apartment that people feel welcome in.

I want to enjoy being a college student - not get so swamped in work that I forget to appreciate the gift of being a full-time student with no more pressing responsibilities. 

I want to get decent grades.

I want to read every book that peaks my interest in both the college library and the public library.

I want to study in Oxford.

I want to live in Germany.

I want to get an interesting job.

Eventually I want to get married.

The list goes on and on.

I want, I want, I want.

But, as pressing as these desires may seem, none of them reach the core of what I truly want.

I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, and so, somehow, to attain the resurrection of the dead. 

I want to live a life that is Christ.

I want to know the POWER of the Holy Spirit.

I want to die to myself and my desires so that I may fling myself without reserve into the life God unfolds for me, knowing that every step of the way He is drawing me closer to Himself, who is the source of fullness of joy and eternal life.

How do I prepare for this kind of life? More pressingly, how do I live it now - a life poured out as a living sacrifice to God, not a living witness that in spite of my words to the contrary I still think of myself as number 1?

How do I keep my sights fixed on things above, where my heart is hidden with Christ in God, and not on earthly things while still affirming the goodness of His earthly gifts?

How do I learn to live prepared to lay everything He has given me down in a heartbeat and cling only to Him?

How do I know when to lay aside my plans and open myself to the wonder of His Plan - and yet not be paralyzed when I don't receive my own personal cloud like the Israelites had in the wilderness?

How do I love with Christ's love?

These are the questions of a lifetime. But as I head into this next school year, I want to start working them out, prioritizing these fundamental desires over all other superficial, circumstantial ones. I want to do this now, while I am still in college. Before I settle down and form habits that get me stuck in an earthly rut of selfishness and independence instead of the heavenly freedom of complete dependence upon God.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God. ~Romans 12:1

For to me to live is Christ and to die is gain. ~Philippians 1:21

For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. ~Colossians 3:3

For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and self-control. ~2 Timothy 1:7

Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart. ~Psalm 37:4

What I Learned: July

It's the end of July (what? where did June go?), so I'm linking up with Emily Freeman's What We Learned in July post. It's a useful way to help me remember things - trivial, profound, or somewhere in-between - that I've encountered over the month, and it's fun to share them with you all.

1. I can read books in German. 

This realization came as I was browsing through bookstores throughout Germany. As a result, I brought 22 books home with me. Some are classics, like Anne Frank's Diary or Bonhoeffer's Life Together, which I want to read in the original language. Others are books that I'd never heard of before, but looked fascinating. Being able to read books in another language has drastically expanded this book-lover's world.

2. It is important to me to seek out and serve those that aren't from my social echelon or background.

After working with refugees for a month, I have realized that I don't want to stop. It has always been important to me to serve my friends and family, but now I want to deliberately look outside my circles and seek places to serve. This could involve refugees, the elderly, children, or whatever. I want to give to people who have nothing to give back. After all, I have been given so much, and to whom much is given, much is expected.

3. I don't do my own convictions a favor by refusing to listen to those who hold an opposite viewpoint.

This isn't a new lesson, but it's one I've been revisiting in the past few weeks. If I can't handle some pushback from the other side, it probably means that my convictions are more flimsy than I'd like to admit. On the flip side, it is hard for me to respect someone who relentlessly pushes their own ideas without giving me the chance to express my own. 

4. It never hurts to say thank you.

People are serving us all the time, making sure our small worlds run smoothly. Waiters, cashiers, security officers, flight attendants, janitors, and so many other people would be sorely missed if they stopped doing their jobs, but we rarely think to stop and say thanks. Just because their work is commonplace does not mean they should not be thanked. In fact, the fact that they faithfully keep things running behind the scenes means we owe them all the more thanks. On my flights to and from Germany, I left simple thank-you notes on my seat. I happened to still be there when one of the flight attendants from my flight home (which had a lot of unexpected complications) saw the note, and her face absolutely lit up as she thanked me. It makes a difference, folks.

5. God's Word bridges language and cultural barriers.